Baby Toys

Near the very end of my pregnancy I walked (waddled) around one of those everything-costs-less stores and saw a little stuffed lamb. It was the shape of a ball, fluffy and soft with big black eyes and a tiny smiling mouth. It had pink and orange crinkly wing like hands, and a soft belly, green with a mildly retro inspired flower pattern. I remember clearly picking it up and thinking she would need a toy. That this was a good toy, and that it was soft and sweet. It jingled lightly in my hands, a gittering single sleighbell from somewhere in the depths of the stuffing. In that moment, staring at this tiny toy lamb, she became real to me. I hugged it close, the cardboard packaging digging in to my belly. I probably looked as crazy as I felt, a massively pregnant woman standing in the middle of the toy aisle, hugging a stuffed lamb as if it were the last piece of hope on this earth. I cried that day. It was the first toy I ever really bought for her.


We have this vision of what our babies will be like, act like. Here’s the toys that I’ve found actually function in life with a tiny. Though I will happily say – she loves that stinking lamb. 


I Googled baby toy and this came up. This is the creepiest thing ever, I love it. Someone should buy it.

I Googled baby toy and this came up. This is the creepiest thing ever, I love it. Someone should buy it.

Sophie the Giraffe – Instant melt down killer. Bonus points if you didn’t drown her and your squeaker is still working properly. Ours sounds a bit like a drowning mouse. Squeeagggruckle.

Loveys – End-all-be-all most IMPORTANT thing in the world. My kid has three, two of them happen to have pacis attached to them which makes her love them even more. Pro tip: I have alternates and sleep with them in my bed so they smell like my sweaty armpits. She loves it.

Books – I love books. My kid loves chewing on her books. Smashing her books against the ground and my skull. Tearing manically at the pages. Even sometimes looking at the pictures. But I’ll take it any way. She WILL grow up loving Harry Potter damnit, one way or another.

Swaddle Blankets – our little roller grabs one end and wraps herself up like a burrito – and then gets stuck and flails her arms and legs like… a beached whale burrito. It’s wonderful. Entertainment for the masses.

Exersaucer – Wonderous, magical, circle of neglect. Great for enjoying a cup of HOT coffee or finally getting around to eating that sandwich you made 2 hours ago.

Jumper – see above: exersaucer.


Things she actually wants to play with instead of toys: 


My Phone – Technically not a baby toy. Technically the only thing she’s ever *actually* interested in.

Ceiling Fans – The best conversationalists.

Wipes Container – We buy the ones that come in the crinkly packages. IT CRINKLES. BEST TOY EVAR.

Tupperware – All the tupperware. Seriously, put tupperware on your baby registry.

The Cats. They’re not so into this.

Shadows and Windows – This kid can stare at a tree swaying in the breeze for what feels like hours.

My horrid smelling, acrid, nasty, disgusting, stained leather flip flops. TEETHER, BABY. The messed up part about this is that she doesn’t care if my feet are in them or not. She’ll chomp down happily on my toes as well. GAH GROSS NO.

The… Floor. Seriously. She faceplants and blows bubbles on the laminate. Licks it, whatever. If the flip flops weren’t bad enough.

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