Baby Topics I’ve Googled

What would we do without Google? I mean, really. I have very little concept of how people lived without being able to look something up at any given moment. I would have never made it through pregnancy, and all those late nights in the early days would have been much more (or, actually, possibly less?) panic fueled.

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INTAKE:

  • Breastfeeding vs Formula. Give yourself a chance to form your own opinion here before you dig into this never-ending black hole. Is breastfeeding important to you? Is it important to your partner? Discuss. Do not enter this battlefield of Google until you have formed some sort of plan of attack for your own family (and yours alone!)
  • (Breastfeeding) Caffeine intake. Alcohol intake. Anything intake. How much is too much? Good news here, the moms of the internet all seem to agree that coffee is always, 100% A-OKAY. Alcohol is always up to your discretion, but I loved the rule “if you can drive, you can feed.” As for everything else? Google would like you to know that you are probably killing your child, just like we’re back in pregnancy land. BUT! Even tainted breast-milk is still better than Formula. (if you didn’t read this as a joke, I’m sorry. I’ll work on my delivery.)
  • Formula differences. The difference between supplemental and regular? The pink and yellow containers? Say it with me here. MARKETING. But feel free to Google endlessly, looking up every single ingredient, and please Wikipedia the hell out of that. I’d like to read it.

OUTPUT:

  • Poop. The color, consistency, amount, you name it. If it looks or smells funny (or if it isn’t there at all) – turn to Dr. Google. Because I know we all like to laugh about comparing baby poop, but I DO NOT WANT TO COMPARE BABY POOP. Please, do not tell me about your kid’s bathroom habits. I have enough shit to deal with on my own. (I crack myself up.)
  • Spitup. How much is too much? Should it be green? What about the consistency? These queries were surprisingly, very similar to the “poop” Googles. Just whatever you do, don’t image search.

SLEEP:

  • Sleeping habits. Please, for the love of all that is kind and good in this world, don’t go down this path. Everyone LOVES to brag about how good a sleeper their kid is. They are lying. And even if they aren’t, convince yourself that they are. Now go get yourself another cup of coffee and keep on truckin.
  • Flat Spots. Guys, if you are ever worried your kid might have a flat spot, go LOOK AT PICTURES OF KIDS WITH REAL FLAT SPOTS. (Then, cry.) Bottom line learned here? Your kid is perfectly fine. Stop obsessing. Besides, once they get hair you’ll forget you were ever concerned.

Got all of that? Feel like you’re getting a handle on the mom situation? Now try these out for size.

  • How to diaper change a rolling baby. (This is of course, a good while after the initial “how to diaper change a baby.” Because you know I looked that up.) Google says to give them toys! Distract them with a mirror! And then, adding insult to injury, there are tons of pictures of smiling, perfectly still babies who do not have their feet covered in poop and their head craned around their back, staring at you sideways like a demonic owl. Google, you failed me here, as my kid could care less about the toys I actually want her to pay attention to. Instead, here’s a trick that a mother of twins taught me – change them on the ground on a towel or your pee-vehicle of choice, throw your leg across their chest. It’s like having a third arm! Little stinker won’t be rolling anywhere, thank you very much.
  • Contraception options. Really.
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